what you can't leave behind
by Antigone2
Summary: Mamoru struggles in the aftermath of the Black Moon arc (SMC). *mild spoilers for manga, probably for SMC arc too*


this is based on a tumblr discussion :-P

* * *

Every light in Mamoru's apartment was blazing, but he couldn't banish the darkness. Stubbornly it lingered: in the shadows, in the corners, in his mind.

So he attempted to drown it.

The poison of choice was cheap convenience store sake out of a red plastic cup, but no matter how many times he knocked back a swallow of the burning liquid, he couldn't escape the echoes in his ears and behind his eyes.

Someone was knocking on his door, shouting his name, but he ignored them. The knocking turned to banging, and he just took another swig from his cup, staring straight ahead.

Finally there was some muffled clicks and the door swung open.

"The fuck...?" he said, standing rather unsteadily and glaring at the intruder. "You- you pick locks now I guess?"

She fixed her eyes at him, putting a hand on her hip. "I have many talents, thank you." Her eyes fell on the half empty sake bottle and narrowed slightly. "Now, mind telling me what the hell is going on?"

Mamoru sat back down heavily, and looked at her with challenge in his eyes, and finished the liquor in his cup in one gulp. "Go away."

"Usagi says you aren't answering her calls."

"I unplugged the phone," he said. He was starting to get dizzy. He reached for the bottle again but Minako grabbed it before he could.

"So what are you trying to do, drink yourself to death?" she snapped.

"No, just until I _black out_ ," he said, words slurring together. He snatched the bottle back, sloshing some liquid over the top. He didn't care. "And you are making it _difficult_." He chugged a bit right out of the bottle, letting the plastic cup tumble to the floor.

"What if she needs you?" Minako said.

Mamoru laughed darkly. His head fell forward, dark hair shadowing his face. "Needs _me_? To do _what_ , exactly?"

Minako paused. And Mamoru nodded, blinking his eyes unevenly. "See?" he said, "even you don't know..."

"Stop it."

"I'd like to see them control me _now_ ," he said, taking another swig directly from the bottle. "Let'em try- I can't even w-walk forfuckssake."

"Is that what this is about?"

Mamoru looked at Minako like he'd forgotten she was there. "Just go, Minako."

Minako sucked in her breath and grabbed Mamoru's face, made him look up at her. "You are not the only one who failed her," she snapped, blue eyes burning with intensity. "Who couldn't be there."

Mamoru jerked from her grasp and lifted the bottle to his lips. "Did _you_ break her arm?"

"Her arm isn't broken, jesus."

"I was there, you know," Mamoru said, his head listing slightly. "I was there for it all."

Minako was blindsided, an unusual experience for her. "Oh," she said, finally.

He laughed with no humor. "Wiseman controlled Black Lady and me like puppets... I couldn't protect Chibi-Usa from what she'd become, I couldn't help Usako... I was just there. Useless. Like always." His words were still muddled from the alcohol.

"Stop it," Minako said again.

"I didn't stop," he said, his red-rimmed eyes looking at Minako but not seeing her anymore. It unnerved her, a little. "I couldn't stop. I couldn't do anything. Black Lady would pose me like a doll, arms around her, kiss me, trying to make Usako cry, to hurt her... "

Minako managed to get the bottle away from Mamoru, "Usagi is strong, and she's fine."

"When that didn't break her, he... he made me do it." Mamoru looked up, straight at Minako, his expression dark underneath the unfocused gaze of his eyes.

"Okay," Minako said, "But, shockingly, I think you'll find getting blind drunk won't help your situation." Battle scars were heavy burdens, but she had no patience for wallowing.

"A senshi _died,_ " he said. "The world _almost ended_. _And I did nothing_."

Mamoru grabbed the bottle back and gestured to the door. "Just fucking leave," he said. Or tried to say, he wasn't sure all the words came out in the right order.

Minako clenched her teeth, and finally turned and marched out the door.

* * *

He wasn't sure how much time had passed, only that he was dimly aware of the bathroom floor against his cheek. He thought he heard Minako's voice and the words "hot mess". _Fuck you, Minako_ , he thought. "It's okay," another voice said, gently. And a warm washcloth gently wiped his face. "Mamo-chan, can you hear me?"

"Go away," he managed to say, and a thumb and forefinger flicked against his forehead. "Ooow," he whined, tried to slap the hand away but missed.

"Mina, come over here and help me," Usagi said, and Minako balked a little.

"He's not dead, just let him wake up with his head in the toilet. It'll teach him anyway."

"Minako, I'm not asking."

A huff. "Fine."

And Mamoru was lifted to his knees, his arms around their shoulders. "Help us out a little, dead weight," Minako said, and Mamoru fought the urge to let them drop him, crumble to the ground and refuse to move. Instead he stood and shuffled forward, letting the girls deposit him on the bed.

"Can you drink this?" a cup of water was placed near his hand but Mamoru gagged, and pushed it away. A wave of nausea and dizziness forced his head back on the pillows, he squeezed his eyes shut and moaned.

A couple moments later he felt someone sit next to him, a hand gently stroked his hair.

"I'm taking off," Minako's voice floated in from the doorway. "I did my part."

"Thank you, Mina-P," Usagi said, softly.

"Anything for you, Usagi," she said.

In the silence that followed Minako's departure, Mamoru heard Usagi sigh. Her fingers didn't stop stroking his hair, in a comforting, rhythmic movement. "Oh, Mamo-chan," she said, sadly. "I'm so sorry." She kissed his forehead. "I should have protected you better. Like I promised to."

At that Mamoru forced his eyes open, "Usako-"

"What they did to you," Usagi said, her voice choking with tears. "I couldn't prevent it, I'm so sor-." He reached out blindly until he found her face, and he put his fingers to her mouth, clumsily.

"Don't," he said, pleading. "Please, please don't..." His tongue felt heavy, saying words was difficult.

"Okay," Usagi whispered, her hands still stroking his hair, his face. "I'm not going anywhere, so just rest. Don't try to talk more tonight."

"Go," he mumbled, "please go. Just leave me." She kissed his forehead again, brushed her knuckles along his cheek.

"I hurt you," he whispered.

"Rest, Mamo-chan."

"Again and again," his head lolled slightly as he babbled.

"Shhh."

"You should leave me for good," he continued, still feeling sick, foggy.

Her hand stopped its movement through his hair and he felt her breath catch. Fighting another sick feeling, Mamoru managed to roll to the side, catch her waist in his hands, desperately. _No no, I don't mean it, I should mean it, but I don't. I can't. Don't ever ever leave me,_ his thoughts were boiling faster than his impaired mouth could even attempt, all he managed was a sort of pleading groan.

"I told you," Usagi said, as if she could read his mind, "I'm not going anywhere." She wrapped her arms around him, and his head found the curve of shoulder. He shut his eyes against the feeling of her caresses.

I don't deserve you, he thought, before he slipped into unconsciousness.

* * *

The next morning he woke up first, Usagi was still sprawled on the bed next to him. Her day clothes were wrinkled and she had mascara smeared against the skin under her eyes, her hair lay in tangles all around her. She was beautiful. In his gaze, she stirred and squinted up at him.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

"I don't get hangovers," Mamoru said. Another perk of the whole healing power thing, he guessed.

"But how do you feel?" she repeated, sitting up on a elbow.

"Better," he said, "I promise."

Usagi reached up and touched his face and he pressed his hand to hers, asking silent forgiveness for the lie he just told.


End file.
